Thinking

I enjoy alone time. I like to think. My brain provides plenty of entertainment.  I keep wanting to say "pensar". My brain is in Spanish mode apparently.  

I have been thinking about my Cheyenne years a lot recently.  I miss them dearly. I just, up and abandoned them. I didn't even say goodbye to my house. Like, I know that is silly but that kind of left a sore spot in me.  I was angry that week before I left. I just quickly said some goodbyes and left. I didn't even acknowledge it as much as I should have.  Plus, my house held lots of important memories that I don't want to forget. With special people that I don't want to forget. To be honest, that is the place that I always am in my dreams. I have not had one dream about our place in St. Louis. I really don't mind either. That is where a piece of me is.  I can still feel the wind and smell that fresh, prairie air.  I can see a thousand different sunsets over the hill.  I can smell the barbecue.  I can feel the air flowing through the house on a cool summer evening. I wish I would have taken a moment to look back on this sooner. I refuse to forget it.  

I wish it was summer. Good memories always come from summer. I don't care what anyone says, summer is my favorite season. I love heat. I love warm nights more than anything.  I guess I always associated night with being cold. That is why I adore it when it is warm at night. Arizona brought some good nights. It was still like 80 degrees. That was heaven.  I really like all weather, but prefer warm.  I will probably live on the equator when I grow up.  

It is kind of weird to say that because, I am practically grown up now. But, I mean, I am still a kid, but I am getting to be the oldest kind of kid there is.  I will never lose my kid spirit either.

I think being forced to grow up a little too fast will help with that. But, I am really a carefree kind of person.  I just want to have fun.  I will definitely have my own swing set in my backyard and a huge trampoline. Bigger than normal.  Those were good memories too! Jumping on a trampoline with a sprinkler underneath is probably the best way to cool down in the summer time.  

I didn't think about what I was supposed to think about today.  I just don't know how to grieve. Its not such an easy thing. 

Hide and seek

Emotions are fragile.  You can bend them and break them.  You can put them in a box and hide them away deep inside the core of your being. Where they sit. Not only do they sit, they expand. They get antsy and unsettling.  They escalate.  You may put a sad situation away in a box. Keep it with you to experience and grieve over later.  Meanwhile you take in the world as usual and experience happiness. Though how real can that be? You take each emotion as it comes. Disposing of it as you wish. Hide it, throw it out, envelop and swim in it, stomp on it before it happens? They have become desensitized. That is where they will always be.  In your core. Love being the most fragile. Simply speaking about it makes it shy away from reality. Ending before it begins. 

"Quiero  hacer contigo 

lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos"

Guess who doesn't care...

I am sure I am one of many ranting about today, technically yesterday (glad THAT is over).

Commercialization.  Dramatized.  Pressured.  Ruined and taken over by materials.  That is all that February 14th has to show for itself.  I am sure there are couples out there who do love each other, somewhere.  Maybe they celebrate it appropriately.  Maybe it has always been a special date that goes above and beyond the fact that it is "Valentines Day".  Good for them.  That is good.  Not the rest.

There is pressure to buy chocolates.  Women expect their significant others to buy them SOMETHING on this day.  No.  Ew.  Don't subject yourself to this.  Find another day to celebrate.  A unique day.  Not the same day that everyone else is forcing themselves to like each other more because it is "tradition".  Maybe, show that much love to each other EVERY DAY!  That would seem to make more sense.  Probably too much for some people to grasp.  Probably because what they call "love" might not be exactly that.  People get carried away.  I have a friend that I worry about all the time because said friend is going through some swooning and may be blind in the process.  It just hurts because I have seen it before and it ended badly.  Awfully.  I can only hope this goes differently.

Today should not be a day of forced recognition.  It will probably dwindle down until it is forced that everyone, even strangers, go around saying "I love you" to each other.  Love will turn into a generic item you can buy at the store and throw around like the dollar bill.  I hope that this stupid day can show people how wronged love is.  It is put to shame and labeled with a price tag.  The bigger the teddy bear, the bigger the box of chocolates, or who knows, maybe, chocolate diet pills this year because your wife is *watching her weight*.  

Ok I am done.

Can't escape my brain

I have not posted in a while. Hi blogsphere!

Today was a balmy 65 degrees for most of the day and while it was semi-overcast, it was still delightful.  We opened the dorm window and let some fresh air in. It was wonderful.  This weekend was nice too.  I talked to my good friend for a long time on the phone. It is so nice to catch up with friends.  Plus, it isn't a catching up like this will be our only phone call for the next year. It is a good catching up so we don't become out of touch for long. Then the rest of the weekend I have been bumming around slightly studying Spanish.  Listening to music of course too.  

I feel like this blog is too unproductive.  I don't have anything to address tonight. Or at least not in depth.  I have an idea.  It is that love is only an evolutionary benefit and nothing more.  That it was evolved in humans to keep us alive and reproducing.  Wouldn't that be sad? Love is just to make sure we mate and keep reproducing.  I bet if someone who is in love reads this they will have plenty to counter. I hope they do.  But seriously, what if it is? What if it is just some chemical attraction that sparks certain feelings in our brain and since it has been so successful at getting humans to mate, it has stayed with us in our evolution? Huh. Interesting. 

On that topic, since I do kind of believe in love, I feel like the whole, courtship thing is rather complicated.  I mean, lots of people start it off with physical attraction, but plenty of people are physically attracted to plenty of other people.  So that is kind of weak.  Then, comes the personality.  Which is really what a lot more of where the compatibility should come from.  I just don't think that physical attraction is anything real. Everyone can be physically attracted to a beautiful woman or man. So what? Thats not love in any way.  It is like a million more things.  Ok done ranting about that.

There is this opportunity to study in Egypt over this winter.  I really want to go to Egypt. I would also earn 3 credit hours.  I really want to go to Egypt.  The itinerary looks fantastic. Part of the time we are on a cruise on the Nile.  We would get to see Luxor and study in some prestigious Universities.  I would hate to miss this opportunity.  I just am not made out of money.