A feeling I know all too well

I don't know how I would describe it. There really is no way to describe it to someone who hasn't experienced it. The whole world seems to be spinning around you. The world seems darker. You notice details you never did before. Thoughts flood your head and at the same time, everything is gone. Words escape and are lost. You want to say something to those around you and even to yourself, yet, there is nothing to say. You want to think about it but there are no thoughts to be had. You want to escape. You want to be infinitely far away from the present situation. You feel lost where you stand. Life is all around you and yet, your place isn't here. Emotions cloud your vision and not one can even be expressed. The emptiness. The helplessness. I can't think of words to describe it. The feeling is just out of reach. You begin to feel like there are things to do but...what? Is there really anything to do? Even if you do become very productive, the feeling is still in your mind. It is the underlying cause of your keeping busy. As soon as you stop, it floods your mind and overwhelms you with the feelings you should have been feeling the whole time. You want someone to be there for you and at the same time, you want everyone to leave you alone. It is as if no one else understands. Even if they do, even if they are affected more than you personally, they don't know. Nothing seems quite right.

This one just takes me back to the others.

Verano

It is quite a blustery day down here in Springfield today. There are also large groups of formally dressed students wandering about the campus for a large speech event. It is getting warmer outside and the forecast shows 80's for the end of the week. Which both sound good to me (the week ending and the weather being hot).

I have homework but I would much rather read and get lost in my leisure book. It is such a calm cool night now and I have the window open so I can enjoy every bit of it. I plan to spend many a summer night absorbing the fantastic feel of the beautiful cool nights. Not that I have anything against daytime, because I do adore the blazing sun on a hot summer day, but the night has such charm to me. I usually travel into a different mindset at night. The day consists of tasks and finishing things and business as usual while the night you are free to explore the deepest corners of your thoughts. Nighttime is my play time. I love running around late at night in the city, or, I guess, South County more likely. Well I would enjoy running around the city but I don't make it that far very often. A ball game would be fantastic. I plan on going to many of those this summer. I would love to find some totally secluded place and just go and look at the stars should I be able to see many of them in the city or anywhere near it. I have a couple ideas actually.

I guess it is pretty obvious that I am anticipating this summer more than ever. I will conclude my boring speech about my obsessiveness with summer.

Birthday

My birthday is almost upon me. I think I am making the switch from enjoying my birthday to not really liking it so much. Which is kind of sad. When I was little, it was the best day! Everyone paid attention to me, gave me gifts, was happy that I am alive. Now, I guess I am expecting my birthday to be as fun as it was when I was little. Since it has these high expectations, when it turns out to not be great, I am crushed. Last year for example, I had my birthday on a school day. Ok that is fine. Except this school day happened to be the same day that most of my friends went on a trip to Six Flags. I was alone, at school on my birthday. Not the greatest. This year it turns out, my Dad won't even be in town. And not some coinsidental thing. He is going to Houston. Fantastic.

I cannot do anything about getting older. Oh. Except, I want to try and accomplish as many things as I can while I am 18. That is about the only thing that I can do. Because, time is not going to stop. Not even a little. I haven't even like, gotten a tattoo or a piercing or bought some cigarettes, which, I don't smoke but I always thought I would do it for the sake of being able to do it. I have 20 days to try and figure out things to do. I am not sure I will do more than study and sit in my stupid dorm room. Woot. I cannot wait.

I am also a little intimidated by what 19 will bring. I guess, realistically, I will go through a wonderful summer and another year of college. But throughout all that, I will have many a responsibility and challenge. Well there's something to think about.